Hollywood Is Dead

Sorry folks, I’m a week behind because I moved. This is...

Tue, 21 May 2013 20:57:20 -0400

Sorry folks, I’m a week behind because I moved. This is last fridays “Moments”, and a new one will be up THIS friday. Anyway, let me regale you with a tale. Back in 2007, my grandmother died. I was very close to my grandmother, but she died at the worst possible time because not only did it make me question death, I was also questioning myself due to my issues with my gender. My whole life I’d always felt like I was supposed to have been born a girl, and at 2007 it really started to rear its head with problems. Then, Dead Like Me came along into my life, and specifically this scene.

Not only did DLM make me not afraid of death ever again, but this scene alone is so moving to me. A man accepting that yes, he’s dead and that sucks, but what sucks more is the fact of HOW he died, and how can someone allow themselves to believe in a “loving” god when they exit the world like this, let alone COME INTO the world the wrong way and then leave before having the chance to fix it.

The music, the cinematography, Daisys reaction and this mans raw emotion; anger and sadness boiled into one overall feeling…it’s not only heartbreaking from a viewer standpoint, but if you’ve ever felt wronged, especially if you have gender issues yourself, then it’s REALLY easy to connect with this man. I really wish DLM were still on the air, if only to help me get through things in my life NOW. Bryan Fuller has had show after show, all of them fantastic, but nothing will ever reach the perfection that DLM hit at its highest notes (which says a lot given he left 5 episodes into the series).

This is a new thing I’m going to do called...

Fri, 10 May 2013 19:29:00 -0400

This is a new thing I’m going to do called “Moments”, where every Friday I post a clip of one of my all time favorite television moments. Because of my Ugly Betty article yesterday, I think it’d be the perfect show to start with, and we’re starting with something really cool, which is the end of the series and here is the end of the pilot. Take a look at the awesome similarities! VERY cool!

Ugly Betty: The Prettiest Show On TV

Fri, 10 May 2013 02:15:35 -0400

SPOILERS AHEAD.

I watched Ugly Betty from the moment of the premiere, to the middle of season 3, and then dropped it. Why? Because of the writers strike. Had that never happened, I would’ve easily continued watching straight through to the end, and as of tonight-having FINALLY finished rewatching all of the series including what I missed-I’m very sad I didn’t.

Ugly Betty is one of those shows that falls into a few categories:

Gets you looks if you admit to liking/watching it, ESPECIALLY if you’re a man
Has the campy Desperate Housewives appeal, thus once again making it seem like bad television to a lot of people
Very very VERY underrated

And I stand by all of that even today. When I mention that I like Ugly Betty or Desperate Housewives, people give me weird looks, but these shows are both drastically dark and in some cases-especially Desperate Housewives-VERY violent. They’re NOT the soap opera show our Grandmas used to watch. That being said, I understand WHY people are standoffish, but I don’t think it’s right. I mean, sure, Desperate Housewives is definitely an acquired taste and I don’t necessarily consider it a show that everyone HAS to see in their lifetime. I love it, but I’ll admit that.

Ugly Betty though has a different reception from me.

People definitely should watch it. Outside of the fact that it’s only 85 episodes long (spanning 4 fantastic seasons), it did a number of things right:

It didn’t overstay its welcome
It kept its decent tone the whole series through
It was HUGELY groundbreaking in terms of the GLBT community EONS before Glee, AND did it better

I’d like to discuss these bulletpoints. First off, it didn’t overstay its welcome. I actually am glad the show ended at season 4, though I would’ve easily watched more, because it felt more like a story had been told. We saw the transformation of a timid but hopeful young girl grow into this beautiful and extremely brave-and inspirational-young woman. Ugly Bettys biggest pro is its overly positive attitude. There may be scheming and plotting and ridiculous soap opera type plotlines at times, but in the end, Ugly Betty has such a positive upbeat nature about it that it’s pretty friggin hard NOT to love her and the show itself.

Secondly, much like Desperate Housewives, Ugly Betty (possibly BECAUSE it didn’t overstay its welcome) it kept the quality of its program up essentially the entire 85 shows. The middle of season 3 and the beginning of season 4 are pretty damn dark and a bit slow, but the rest of the show are just fantastic, and it’s one of the FEW shows that had a phenomenal 1st season and didn’t falter in its 2nd. THAT’S a feat. The entire time I never felt-even at the shows worst-that it compromised its quality, or it wasn’t good enough. I always thought it was fantastic, and if you read my blog often, you know I don’t heap praise like this lightly.

And finally, the possibly most controversial bulletpoint on the list, the gay one. Ugly Betty is a series that welcomed homosexuality into open arms, and in 2005, when the only thing we really had before this was Will & Grace which I don’t see as “welcoming”, but rather as “one long gay joke reinforcing terrible stereotypes”. I don’t consider that groundbreaking. I consider Ugly Bettys handling of the homosexuality community and its acceptance groundbreaking. Not only did Ugly Betty have men-and teenage boys-kissing before Glee was this faux homosexual activist poster boy, but it actively made you CARE about them. It really proved that your sexuality or gender doesn’t matter and what matters is how good a person you are. Love is love. These characters were good people, funny people, nice people and overall I saw no difference in the way they and their relationships were handled as opposed to how a straight character was. It was beautiful, it was the first and it really needs to be given that credit above all else. It really, truly deserves it.

Not only did Ugly Betty teach me to respect fashion as an art, but it tells you to chase your dreams, which is something I don’t think I’ve seen a lot of shows say. No other show has ever had a more positive message (except perhaps Wilfred) than Ugly Betty, and it really should be noted how inspirational Betty and the show itself can be. For a show called Ugly Betty, it certainly was so much more beautiful than any other show.

Some shows end and it doesn’t matter even if the experience was enjoyable, other shows end and I do miss them because of how much I connected with the characters and then there’s that rare show that ends and I realize how much it really impacted me and how less bright my world would be now without its presence. Thank god for Netflix & DVDs.

So I salute you, Ugly Betty, Betty Suarez and America Ferrera. You really made a difference, and I hope one day people recognize your show for the truly beautiful story it is; one about chasing your dreams, about being a good person and how much beauty there is in the world.

UGLY BETTY FINAL RATING:

A+

I rarely talk about music or-as I stated in my Wilfred...

Mon, 06 May 2013 01:11:56 -0400

I rarely talk about music or-as I stated in my Wilfred article-my personal life on this blog, but once again I’m opening up to those of you who even care. Terra Naomi quite possibly saved my life. Back in 2007, my grandmother (who’d helped me raise me) died after a horrible illness, my parents were thinking of getting divorced (and later did) and I was dumped by my girlfriend. It was just a horrible streak of bad luck. But I discovered this woman thanks to her EP titled “8-Track” on iTunes, and later this song.

Though this song is called “Jenny”, it helped me because I was certainly suicidal at the time and inches from ending everything. But Terras song kept me going, and still to this day is one of my all time favorite songs and artists, to the point where I don’t advertise my love for her on my social networking profiles and whatnot because as much as I wish her success, I don’t want others to know about her because she feels like something special that helped me survive. That’s why her 1st CD-that was so commercial it hurt to listen to-was so bad and good. Yes, it was more Terra, but it wasn’t exactly the Terra I loved.

But, I do wish Terra all the success in the world, and that’s why I’m sharing this story. This song and this woman and her powerful lyrics (even in other songs, like “Up Here”) just helped me keep going and still do. She’s talented as anyone could ever be, her lyrical talent alone is outstanding, she seems like a genuinely nice person and she’s got not only a beautiful beautiful voice but a very beautiful face to go with it.

And she helped “Jenny” and myself-and I’m sure millions of other people-get through whatever they needed help getting through just by making great music we can relate to, and that’s what artists do. They make things people can relate to.

Terra Naomi is an artist and a lifesaver, and I’ll always support her and her work. PLEASE go buy her music. Not pirate it. BUY IT. Support actual talent.

So thanks, Terra. Thanks for helping me not kill myself.

Cabin In The Woods: A Review

Sat, 04 May 2013 05:41:30 -0400

Warning: This review WILL contain spoilers.

I know this is going to sound like the start of a joke, but…5 kids go to a cabin in the woods and…well, what unfolds unfortunately is a film that has somehow obtained a 92% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Let it be known right off the bat that I’m an enormous horror movie fan, and I’m a middle of the road fan of Joss Whedon, and as for Drew Goddard, I love his LOST work and I liked Cloverfield purely for the technical stuff they did in it. So what’s the biggest problem Cabin in the Woods has?

It’s pretentious. Or, that’s one problem. But it’s BIG problem is that it not only is it pretentious but it KNOWS it’s pretentious.

People likened Cabin in the Woods to Scream, in the sense of satirizing and then rebuilding from the ground up a genre that’s so bogged down with tropes and cliches that it needs to be fixed. In actuality, it’s kind of what Marty in the film says about humanity: It’s time to give someone else a chance. And he’s right, it is time to give someone else a chance.

To make horror movies.

The difference between this film and Scream however is that Scream actually accomplished what it set out to do, whereas this film goes so far out of its way to prove its intelligence and parodies that its entire purpose gets lost somewhere in a plot that’s honestly not that engaging to begin with. It’s a truly cool premise that was squandered by a watered down co-written Joss Whedon script. A watered down co-written Whedon script that’s SO co-written it’s almost like they co-wrote Whedons stuff OUT of the script altogether.

Listen, just because you CAN make comments on a genre doesn’t mean you SHOULD, especially if you can’t stay on track with what you’re trying to do. At one point it wants to be this incredibly smart film that says there’s something wrong with horror movies, but at the same time it wants to BE a horror movie, and you can’t do both successfully when you can’t do either one to begin with.

In the end, you realize that each country has to abide by their rules of the game. That’s why Japan has the schoolgirls. It’s the cliche of the japanese horror genre. That’s why americans get the 5 cliche archetypes that we’ve come to know and hate over the years of horror films. But it doesn’t work. At the end of it all, the “twist” is they have to die to appease the ancient gods so they do not end the world. We are told this by a Sigourney Weaver character at the climax of the film. I actually would’ve preferred this ending if the gods they were trying to appease had just been the actress Sigourney Weaver. At least THAT would’ve been amusing.

Instead what we’re given is a film that thinks that it’s smart, goes out of its way to say it’s smart and then prove itself wrong by also trying to cram in as much blood and crappy CGI horror at the end to dismantle its entire point.

Your point is lost if you go against the idea of satirization. Point OUT the cliches. Don’t BECOME the cliches. When you satirize something, you’re not supposed to BECOME the satirization. Had the film instead been a statement about horror movies and moral choices-do you help your friend, or do you go in the cellar when you know you shouldn’t-then it might’ve been worth the time it took to watch it. It would’ve been saying, “Hey, here’s the problems, we’re fixing them now, we’re forcing you to look at the way you watch horror movies and the way people write them”, much like the “Would you Kindly” moment in Bioshock did for video games. It woke people up to the fact that just because a character on a game asks you to do something, you do it, even though you never think twice. That’s what this movie should’ve gone for. Not this ancient gods malarky. Whoever thought THAT was the right direction should’ve been released from the project right from the get-go.

All in all, the film is a complete and utter waste of time, unless you want to watch a trainwreck. I’ll give it that. It’s at least hilariously entertaining because of all the missteps it makes. Get some friends together, maybe a few drinks in you and just laugh yourselves silly at a movie that’s too stupid for even the MST3K crew to rip apart.

FINAL RATING:

D-

Wilfred & How It Helped Me Fight Depression

Fri, 03 May 2013 02:29:53 -0400

Every now and then, a show comes along that really truly helps me.

I don’t usually discuss my personal life on this blog, because it’s not anyones interest as this blog is purely for reviews and ranting and whatnot, but considering my personal life this time is linked to something in media, I’ve decided to do it. I have suffered with severe depression for years among other issues, but that’s as deep into my psyche I will go for your strangers. But every now and then a show has come along and helped me through a difficult emotional time.

When my grandmother died, I had just really gotten into Dead Like Me, and it not only helped me cope with her death but also get rid of my own fear of dying, or at the very least make me not as scared with it and since then I’ve loved everything that Bryan Fuller has made to this day with a passion, including his recent NBC outing “Hannibal”. LOST was another great example, but in a much stranger sense. I started watching it on DVD in 2009 or so when I moved and after my parents had just gotten a divorce after 12 years, and I felt extremely…well…lost. But it was ok because here were other people were extremely lost and in a much worse sense than I was, but I could relate to them, especially John Locke and Jack in the sense of having father issues.

Then there’s shows like Home Movies/Daria that literally helped me survive high school and just sort of feel ok about myself.

And then there’s Wilfred. Oh Wilfred. Wilfred has helped me with a number of things. The overall eternal message I get from it is just to be happy with who you are, and that’s one of the things that I struggle with the absolute most in my life, as I think a lot of us do. We always feel bad about ourselves at points and want to be better, cooler, smarter or happier than we think we are. Ryan (Elijah Wood) suffers from depression to the point of almost suicide, much like myself at a point, and he’s the one character I’ve ever been able to truly relate to in every sense because of it. When each season of Wilfred ends-and granted there’s only been 2 so far-it almost feels like I’m losing a friend. I miss Wilfred as much as I miss my real dog when I’m away from her.

Wilfreds beautiful simplicity disguised as deeply emotional psychological insight is what makes it so perfect. It stands as not just a television show but really a solid, strong and positive message. Be happy. No matter what happens, just keep on going and try to be happy as much as you can; with yourself, or the world around you. It says that yes, depression IS a problem, but it’s not a problem you HAVE to live with, it’s a problem you ultimately CHOOSE to live with. You can fight it if you really want to, and that’s why Wilfred has helped me so much in the short 26 episodes it’s had.

It’s heartfelt, it’s funny, it’s original in every way and it really can help people if they just listen to it’s overall tone. And in todays television world, a world filled with brutal murders, rapes, homicides and suicides and shootouts and terrible pain, I think “be happy” is a message we really need. Wilfred is a shining light of dramatic positivity carefully masked as a cynical sitcom. It’s brilliant, and it’s helpful.

So thank you Jason Gann and Elijah Wood. Thank you for helping me, and hopefully other people as well.

And on a related note, I just tonight discovered that the season 1 finale of “Hannibal” airs June 20th at 10 on Thursday. The season 3 premiere of Wilfred is ALSO on June 20th at 10 on Thursday. I didn’t even have to think about which one I’d have to decide to watch that night. As much as I love Fullers work and have rallied behind his genius over the years, it’s no contest.

I’m sorry Fuller, but if you ask me to choose between Hannibal or Wilfred, you’re going to lose to a man in a dog suit.

That’s just how it is.

Paranorman: A Review

Sun, 28 Apr 2013 01:40:00 -0400

When the trailers first hit, I lumped Paranorman in the same category as Coraline or Monster House. These Tim Burton-sesque inspired stop motion kiddie “horror” films (and granted Coraline was based on a book) that promised much more than they delivered. Neither of those films were bad, for the record. Coraline actually was entertaining, but it never reached the peak of “this is fantastic” that I thought it would, and just felt a little…flat, to say the least. Monster House-a movie with the greatest premise-was freaking phenomenal for the first 45 minutes or so, and then they added in the whole “the house is the guys wife!” plot element and the movie just FELL APART, If they’d left it out and made it a bit like 1408, Monster House would easily net a A+ from me but because it crashes and burns by the end, it nets a solid C. Still good, but fell FAR underneath it’s potential, and is underwhelming to say the least.

But, having now watched Paranorman TWICE before reviewing this, it was not only better than I originally thought it’d be, it blows the other two away entirely. In every sense too. The writing is spectacular and hilarious, while being very realistically heartfelt at times, the visuals are VERY interesting for a stop motion film (and I will forever want to know how they accomplished the look on Aggie when she’s fighting Norman as a ghost, that was just…incredible to look at) and the music has to be my favorite OST in filmmaking since Kick-Ass, way back in 2010. But the thing I like the most about this film is that it didn’t let itself fall apart like Monster House did, or just not deliver like Coraline did. This film decided “We are a horror movie, first and foremost” and they made it especially dark and twisted, to the point where I read kids had to leave the theater because they couldn’t handle it. That’s what I want. Not for kids not to have a good time at the movies, but I want a darker animated film like this. It’s what I wanted the others to be. Coraline was darker, yes, it just wasn’t all that GOOD. Paranorman delivers a very unsettling vibe, and surprisingly some swear words in a kids flick AND a homosexual character, which they gained a LOT of feedback for, and I’m happy to say it seemed like mostly positive feedback.

But the movie also is good for kids because it teaches a lesson, much like older animated kids stuff did. Before kids cartoons just became stupid, they used to teach you life lessons, and Paranorman does this in a very good way with a VERY good lesson that frankly kids really NEED in this day and age, which essentially boils down to; “Just be nice”.

A lot of people say the film championed “anti-bullying”, and I don’t think that’s really true at ALL. Especially because Neil said in the beginning, “You can’t stop bullying, it’s human nature” and he’s right. It’s gonna happen, no matter how many stupid laws you pass or dumb protests you create, it’s never going to stop. But what you CAN gain from this is how to DEAL with mean people, without making yourself seem weak in the process. I didn’t see an anti-bully message as much as I saw an overall “Just have hope in the world and be nice to people” message, which is WAY better. I was bullied throughout school, and nobody helped me, and it made me the person I am today. I know everyone handles things differently, but it will make you a stronger person in the end if you just go “I’m not going to follow your example, I’m going to be a good, hopeful person”.

And besides the “be a good person” message, I like the “be hopeful and have faith in people” message even more. In a day and age when people are overly cynical and depressed, we need more messages like “have faith in people and be hopeful of the future” for kids, because the world will never get better if we don’t TEACH THEM TO MAKE IT BETTER. And all of this from an animated flick about a kid who talks to ghosts. Imagine that.

Sometimes the most inspirational messages come from the most weird places.

PARANORMAN FINAL RATING:

A+

VH1'S "I Hate Garbage Television"

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 02:55:00 -0400

I’m not a person who hates on other things people like just because people like it. Take Dr. Who for example. I don’t like the show, I don’t watch the show, and I think their fanbase takes it WAY too far at times but I won’t attack someone BECAUSE they like it and say that their taste in television is bad. Why? Because I’m not an arrogant, elitist snob.

However, there’s a difference between garbage and television. I will defend Dr. Who-even though I don’t like it-because it is television, but I will NOT defend garbage like most reality shows. Dr. Who at least has artistic merit, and has creativity put into it, whereas something such as “Bad Girls Club”…I don’t even know how or why that’s on television to begin with. There’s nothing creative going on. I’ve seen the show. It’s a bunch of faux hot (meaning “made to look attractive to a ridiculous american stereotypical standard caked with makeup”) chicks who just scream and beat one another, and then sometimes get along, or at least sort of get along.

I may not like Dr. Who but it’s at least artistic. Bad Girls Club isn’t artistic. It’s watching a house full of self important, ego inflated dumb bitches scream 95% of the time. It’s another show in a long line of shows that has people on it who are only famous BECAUSE they’re on it. Reality stars are the new Andy Dicks of the world. Andy Dick is famous just for being Andy Dick. That’s it. That is his claim to fame. It’s a shame Hollywood Squares doesn’t exist anymore as a safe haven for these dumb fucks to go after their time has expired.

Because this is where they end up. And if you think I’m kidding, watch one of those VH1’s “Greatest Hits of the 1790’s” or whatever the fuck they’re called. That’s the new Hollywood Squares for this generation because it packs celebrities into the show to talk about the songs and the majority of these celebrities are celebrities who are famous for having been famous. Dumb fucks like Snooki. I don’t care what you have to say about Sugar Rays music Snooki. You probably think Sugar Ray is a new string of cocaine.

But…this aside, I’m not attacking ALL reality shows. Things out there like Intervention or even American Pickers (I would say Storage Wars but even that-while it has “history” peppered in throughout it about the items-is for a more flashy crowd who doesn’t watch American Pickers) are great because both show you something REAL. With Intervention, you’re experiencing a persons actual addiction and battle with that addiction, and how it affects the people around them. That’s a real situation. AND, it’s not made purely for monetary purposes; these are people who clearly need help and now will-hopefully-get it. And American Pickers is great because you learn a lot about history, not to mention the fact that Mike and Frank are just likable people, unlike the majority of trashy reality shows. Even shit like Swamp People is decent because it’s watching a person preform an actual career, and it’s a dangerous career at that, or perhaps Project Runway because it’s an art form that takes a whole LOTTA skill to pull off.

I’m sick of these pseudo celebrities who think they have a right to a claim of fame just because they’ve sold a bunch of t-shirts with their face on it, or because people know their names, purely because their names are plastered on tabloids. Being on a tabloid isn’t necessarily a GOOD thing, folks. They say there’s no such thing as bad publicity-which is technically true, because it makes people talk about you-but there’s a difference between bad publicity and bad people in public places. That’s what these people are. These Jershey Shore, Bad Girls Club fucks who think they’re the hottest thing since sliced bread just because people know who they are. But the good news is, thats the END of their career and we only have to suffer it for a little while, while the show is popular. Eventually, the show WILL go away and these people WILL disappear into the obliviousness of post celebrity obscurity, occasionally popping up on VH1’s “I was a teenage werewolf who listened to 70s music”.

It sucks to be us, the public, who has to endure them…but it sucks to be them…who has to BE THEM.

Where's The Originality? (Behind You)

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 19:37:45 -0400

Every single time a film gets a sequel, people come out of the woodworks railing against the idea. Now, if it’s a movie that REALLY doesn’t need one-like Napoleon Dynamite-then sure, it’s understandable, but for the most part, movies (especially comedies) can have a sequel and be totally fine. And that’s what people lose track of. Not ALL sequels are bad. Shit, some are better than the original film.

Shrek 2 is way better than Shrek, Terminator 3-while not being better than the previous installments-is still a fantastic movie on its own, and even Back To The Future 2 (and 3, for what it is) are awesome. So not every sequel is bad.

But people being annoyed by sequels makes sense, sure. For the small amount of great sequels there are, they certainly are overshadowed by the enormous amount of truly horrendous sequels. So yes, it does make sense for people to be skeptical, but they should also be open minded. What actually bothers me about the “no more sequels” mindset is the fact that they always come out with the question, “Does Hollywood just have no more original ideas?!”

But then when an original movie finally comes out, NOBODY GOES TO FUCKING SEE IT.

We say we value originality and creativity, but more people flocked to The Hangover 2 than to Hugo. And sure, while Hugo isn’t technically “original” because it’s based off a book, it’s still something we hadn’t seen, and it was PHENOMENAL. The Hangover-all of it-is a steaming piece of shit. It’s not funny, it’s not well written, it’s not well shot, it’s downright terrible. However, The Hangover 2-which even Hangover fans seemed to hate and not want-is even worse. But then you look at the box office tallies.

Hugo reigned in $185,770,160 while The Hangover 2 (by the way, a movie that DIDN’T need a sequel) reigned in $581,464,305.

But let’s put this against a movie that was original and not based on something. The Artist. Against The Hangover 2’s cash intake, The Artist-a truly original film that’s amazingly well made with fantastic actors and a wonderful premise (and soundtrack to boot!) only took in $133,432,856!

So why is it that people ask “Where is the originality in Hollywood these days?” when they know damn full well they aren’t going to see anything original as it is if it comes out? Is it because “originality” is subjective? Could that be it? People whine wanting something original but then that thing that’s original doesn’t fit their interest? I guess, and that’s a legitimate reason to not see something whether it’s original or not, sure. Why waste money on something you’re just not into? I get that. But the argument stands. There’s originality out there, you’re just not going to see it. There’s actually a very simple solution to this problem.

You want more originality?

Stop going to movie sequels.

The more money they LOSE, the less sequels they’ll MAKE. It’s economics when it boils down to it, really. If something doesn’t appear to be marketable, it won’t be on the market. Simple as that, folks. So a lot of the blame honestly lays on you, the viewing public.

You want more originality?

DEMAND IT. Vote with your wallet. That, or just stop complaining altogether.

Hemlock Grave: A Gorgeous Trainwreck

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 16:29:01 -0400

I was very excited for Hemlock Grove. As far as Netflix original series goes (and none of them except LilyHammer are even “original” as Hemlock Grove is based on a book and House of Cards was a british show), I couldn’t be less interested in House of Cards right now-I’ll watch it when the fever dies down-mostly because I love Eli Roth’s work. But this show is having the same issue Hannibal is, except that Hannibal is enjoyable.

Both are based on source material and so the people running these things-Eli Roth or Bryan Fuller-aren’t making it their own original characters and whatnot. They’re building off a base model. However, Hannibal is excellent. Hemlock Grove is excellent for an ENTIRELY different reason. The show is beautiful to look at at times, but it feels very much like Netflixs answer to Twilight in some ways. A lot of teenage drama. But, here’s the worst part; it’s another thing that has a great opportunity to be fantastic with what they have and yet they’re squandering it’s potential because they don’t seem to know what the hell to do with it. As far as writing goes, it’s disjointed, jarring and almost hard to follow at times. Continuity wise, continuity almost doesn’t exist sometimes, and that shouldn’t bother me because I love stuff like LOST but here it doesn’t work.

This is the kind of show that needs to be straight forward and on track, not jumping around as often as it is. They show too much backstory in the first episode alone, and they’re leaving almost nothing to reveal later on. But I can’t stop watching it. It’s very much like The Walking Dead. It’s great looking, the cast is pretty excellent but the writing is like a group of 8th grade girls wrote it (for Hemlock Grove anyway. Walking Dead is more like a 2nd grader. A special 2nd grader) and it just doesn’t FLOW. At one point it just became a chore to continue to be interested. I found myself fighting to care. But I’m still watching it, just like I did for The Walking Dead. It’s so bad I can’t look away. Maybe by the end of the season, it’ll redeem itself, but right now, I don’t have much to say positively as far as writing goes.

Entertaining? Pretty.

Enjoyable? Kind of.

Watchable? For sure.

Good? Well THAT’S the question.

I’m hoping Hemlock Grove gets it together and starts to flow better and be overall more decent quality wise, because right now I feel like I’m watching a bad version of Teen Wolf. And at least Teen Wolf is good.

But all that aside, I still love you and your work, Eli. I just want you to know that.

We Need To Be Like Roger Ebert

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 17:05:15 -0400

Since I was a kid, I’ve loved movies. I could memorize entire film scripts and recite them at a heartbeat. I don’t often promote this about myself as it’s pretty dorky, but today I’m saying these things because they’re important to me. And ever since I could watch movies, I’ve wanted to make one. My dream started to come true when my family got a video camera, and I started making random things filmed around my house with friends; things that would later influence and define my style of work. In 2008 I made a student film and started a cult webseries that had a pretty decent following until 2010 when it ended abruptly, and since then my video work has been almost non existent give or take a few small videos here and there like “Bathroom”.

But it doesn’t mean my interest in film stopped. Even as I started to let my writing speak for itself on websites like www.gotgame.com and www.getminecraftforfree.org, I still liked to write my own stuff, and I still loved movies. That’s why this blog was created. Granted, I’ve started to just discuss stuff in media in general, but my film reviews are my favorite things to do. I love to analyze things; books, video games, television. But movies…movies are the best to analyze. That’s why it hurt really bad learning that Roger Ebert died. Few people I cry about when they die if they’re “celebrities” or just public figures, but Ebert was on a whole other level, even as a person. As a critic, he said what he felt and always stuck to his guns, never apologizing. It’s refreshing to see.

Which brings me to the whole problem with reviewers, or rather peoples representations of reviewers. Sure, there’s those out there who get paid to write a good review. Let’s face it, every job has its scabs. But in the world of entertainment that we live in, especially today, we need reviewers. Not because you should believe what they feel, because entertainment is subjective. Everyones tastes are different and not everyone will like the same things. But you should listen to reviewers for one simple reason: They aren’t afraid to say what they feel.

In a world filled with people who make a living off of looking like everyone else and believing in things to get others to like them, reviewers often stand alone. I would include artists (musicians, filmmakers and writers and whatnot in this group) too, but this is specifically about reviewers, so don’t get offended. We live in a society where the most popular thing is usually the worst:

One Direction
Twilight
Justin Bieber
The Walking Dead
The Big Bang Theory

Especially with teenagers-who really do run a lot of the media companies in terms of deciding what becomes pop culture now-who, outside of the occasional exception, are really just copies of one another with no real identity or thoughts of their own. Not because they’re dumb, but because they haven’t lived long enough to develop what they actually enjoy, and be brave enough to say it, without being afraid of being alienated by their peers. Adults sadly are often the same way, actually, but it’s why reviewers are so brave. They often times stand behind what they think and it’s why I don’t understand why people hate them.

“You were totally wrong, this movie is great!”

Well, yes, it’s great to YOU. That’s the thing about art, as I said, earlier, it’s SUBJECTIVE. Not everyones tastes are the same. If they were, the world would be an incredibly dull and unimaginative place with no creativity. It’s good that we have artistic conflict. I think some people take it too far of course, calling others “idiots”, when they should just respect the opinions of other people for liking something they don’t like themselves, but that’s just me I guess. Sorry for believing people should be nice to one another. But reviewers are biased. It’s based on taste. They aren’t telling you if something is good or bad, they’re telling you if THEY think something is good or bad. It’s an OPINION. Not a FACT. As much as I dislike all those things I listed above, I recognize that there are people who love them and I respect that, or I try to anyway. But I will NOT live in fear of saying what I want about them. I recognize The Walking Dead has artistic merit. I recognize Twilight carries a form of entertainment that people enjoy, so who am I to say it’s “bad”? It’s not “bad”. It’s just not for ME. It’s not what I personally enjoy. I can’t state a fact like that because it’s not a fact. It’s how I feel. A fact is “the sky is blue”. That’s a fact, not an opinion.

As a reviewer, I try to look at both sides of a fence when reviewing anything. I actually do this with politics too. I think the middle of the road is the way to go, seeing both sides of something, because it gives you a better more unbiased perspective. Yes, I liked Scott Pilgrim, but it has issues. EVERYTHING does. NOTHING is perfect, just like NOTHING is unbearable. It all matters on how YOU feel. That’s why reviewers are important, that’s why people like Roger Ebert are important, because they remind us to just say what we feel instead of going along with a crowd, never forming an opinion of our own. It’s why his loss is enormous, not just to the movie industry but to people in general. People always like to bring up the “Roger Ebert doesn’t think video games are art!” argument, but who cares what he thinks about it as long as YOU think it’s art. Art is art. Roger Ebert isn’t right or wrong, he’s Roger Ebert, just like you are you.

There is no good and bad; there’s just taste. Reviewers are brave people because they say what they feel and stand by it, and I wish other people would do the same.

We need to start being braver.

We need to start being honest.

We need to start standing by what we believe.

We need to be more like Roger Ebert.

MTV & CN Revivals

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 18:27:36 -0400

I have to say, watching MTV go down the drain has been one of the hardest things in my life. Cartoon Network even more so, but I get the feeling lately that they’re both actually trying to go back to the glory they had once and are succeeding in spades.

I was a big viewer of BOTH channels back in the day, and loved most of their content. MTV had pop up video (which they’ve now revived), Jackass, Daria, Beavis & Butthead and just a slew of really great content directed towards a generation that was angry and misunderstood. That’s why they succeeded. Cartoon Networks lineup was absolutely phenomenal and I’m sure I loved every one of their cartoons:

Grim Adventures-brilliant
Courage The Cowardly Dog-brilliant (at the time it was horrifying, but it hasn’t aged that well and is actually just sort of weird now, but I’m also not 12 anymore)
Powerpuff Girls-brilliant
Sheep In The Big City-fucking genius but way too short lived
Samurai Jack-brilliant
Ed, Edd ‘n Eddy-one of the most brilliant things ever

And more that I can’t even throw on the list without turning this is into Nostalgia Avenue. But then a new generation hit and both networks fell into this idea that everyone falls into that “new generation needs new content”. That’s not true in the least. If the content is good enough, people from ANY generation will watch it. Simple fact. So both networks switched their shit up and started churning out just a CRAP FACTORY of bad programming. Cartoon Network didn’t hit as rock bottom as MTV did. CN actually still had some good stuff every now and then (Misadventures of Flapjack is the most unsettling thing this side of Invader Zim), but they also put live action shows on a network for cartoons. IT’S CARTOON NETWORK for fuck sake. Live action shows? Get the fuck outta here with that. MTV however, man…they just bombed.

But now I’ve noticed the Jersey Shore is gone, and I’m pretty sure Teen Mom is over, and MTV has been doing something where they’re trying to put more original narrative content back into their network, and it seems to be working in spades to their advantage. Awkward is phenomenal, RJ Berger was great but unfortunately short lived, the new Bo Burnham show is going to be awesome and the revival-even if only 1 season-of Beavis & Butthead was EXCELLENT. CN also added some great new stuff like Regular Show which is amazing and Adventure Time, which…I have tried to watch on so many occasions and I’ve seen so many episodes and…I STILL don’t get the appeal. I love the art style for sure, but…it just…I don’t get it. I really, truly don’t. But to each their own, I guess.

I’m happy to see these networks coming back and coming back STRONG, too. I was very afraid that their day in the sun was gone, but it seems like (and granted CN still has a way to go to reach the level MTV is back at) they’ll still be around and have good stuff for a while once more. Now if only Nick could do the same, but I don’t EVER see that happening.

Welcome back, guys, and I’m glad to see you’re here to stay for a bit.

So Long, Walking Dead

Mon, 01 Apr 2013 02:11:00 -0400

The thing The Walking Dead is best at is making you THINK they’ve made progress.

It’s really amazing how they do it. I stuck it out through the at least somewhat decent 1st season and the atrocious give or take the last few episodes of Season 2, and I give season 2 a pass because to me, every show is allowed 1 bad season. That’s the rule. And while this 3rd season has been phenomenal-outside of firing Glenn Mazzara, the guy who made the only truly watchable season of your show, Kirkman-the biggest part of its downfall were 2 hardcore things:

The finale-instead of being the bloodbath Governor ending we were promised at the start of this year when he signed on FOR ONE SEASON-turned into my biggest fear, Operation Rescue Andrea, and I actually liked her for reasons I won’t go into because those aren’t important.
Michonne. All of her.

Now, Andreas death was sad to me. Not because she was my favorite character-and despite how much I did enjoy her, she wasn’t my favorite, in fact I was more saddened by Miltons unfair death, but he did at least stand up the Governor more than anyone else, it seems-but because we saw her story. We lived with her through her struggles. Losing her sister and Dale, accidentally shooting Darryl and coming to terms with who the Governor really is, trying to be a female Rick and save everyone…we experienced that all with her and that’s what makes you emotionally connected to a character. Witnessing their experiences.

That’s why Michonne failed COMPLETELY. Not only was I not into their relationship, I wasn’t into HER, and both for the same reasons: I was given no reason to be. 16 episodes this year and they didn’t give me a SINGLE REASON to care about Michonne, nor did they even flesh out what this winter relationship she had with Andrea was enough to make me care about their connection. You can’t just expect me to like or love a character, you have to give me a reason to. “Oh she has a sword!” is not enough. I’m sorry. It isn’t. But then I hear people shouting, “Read the comics, it’s more fleshed out!”

hehehehe, fleshed out. Get it? GET I-ah nevermind.

But that brings me to my next point, something that bothers me with this show more than anything else…”You should read the comics to understand her character.”

No. Television and comics are two entirely different mediums, and if you expect me to have to read outside material, source or not, to like this character then you have failed at writing television. One medium should NOT rely on another. And I said this in my Halo 4 review too. Yes, I CAN read the comics, but it isn’t a television shows job to make me read comics, it’s a television shows job to entertain me and inform me as it is within the confines of its own medium. If you can’t do that, you can’t write television. Which is actually my problem with Kirkman especially.

Kirkman essentially had Glenn Mazzara fired-aka the dude who saved your fucking show-due to “creative differences” and that’s why this finale, and I’m sure the majority of the 2nd half of this season actually-was a MAJOR letdown, but this finale in particular. It lacked CLOSURE. We were promised one season with the Governor and everyone expected him to die, because that’s what we were told. But then Kirkman comes in and sticks his finger into Mazzaras masterful work and goes, “Naaaaah” and AMC backs him because they think they need the creator to keep the core audience.

No you don’t. As I’ve said before, I guarantee you that 90% of the television audience doesn’t even KNOW this is a comic, let alone have read it. Different mediums. Just because you can write a comic doesn’t mean you can write TV, Kirkman. Let Mazzara do his fucking job and tell the story he needs to tell. THAT’S WHAT YOU FUCKING HIRED HIM FOR.

I really wish I could know what Mazzara had actually planned before Kirkman-for lack of a better way of putting this-shoved his dick in Mazzaras mouth and changed everything. I really get the feeling he intervened here at the end and changed a lot of the great stuff Mazzara had planned. You can’t have character development or plot development if you aren’t willing to take risks, and that’s what Mazzara did. He took BIG risks, and guess what, PEOPLE LIKED THE 1ST HALF OF THIS YEAR BETTER FOR IT. Big fucking surprise, right? Who’d have thunk it?

Kirkman came out and stated the reason The Governor is returning as a series regular is because they don’t want to have a different “big baddie” every year, which-yes, is a logical argument-but it’s flawed as well because you don’t HAVE to have a new big baddie every year. Just put your characters in different situations and watch them react. You think conflict is created by having a bad guy? No, conflict is created by pushing characters to their limits. Seeing what they will and will not do, and you don’t need a villain to achieve that. If you think you do, go back to writing class. Not to mention the fact that the Governor running away and really not putting up any fight at all destroyed the point of Merles sacrifice.

They had one last chance this year. They succeeded part way and then dropped the ball. I’m done. I’m washing my hands of this mediocre shit program and moving on. You’ve taken 3 years of my life, Kirkman, you won’t be taking more and I feel INCREDIBLY sorry for anyone who falls for your show.

The only downside to not witnessing this trainwreck anymore is not having great material to write about, but I’m sure I’ll manage somehow.

The Avatar Problem

Fri, 08 Mar 2013 18:30:19 -0500

I’d like to start this article off by saying I’m glad L. Frank Baum is dead.

It means he will never have to witness the travesty that is The Great & Powerl Oz that Disney has just shat into theaters. I don’t often advertise it but I am actually an enormous Oz fan. I’ve read the books, and I’ve even tracked down (before it was on DVD) a VHS copy of Return to Oz, and when I first heard a new Oz film was in development, I was actually excited because todays filmmaking world could stand to use some Oz in it. However, I’m beginning to think that Oz is just as unfilmable as Dr. Seuss’s stuff is. I mean, Dr. Seuss’s world is so unfilmable that the 3rd movie in the Seuss film cannon (Horton Hears A Who) was ANIMATED. THAT’S how bad the 1st two films were. I enjoy The Grinch for the cheese factor, along with Cat in the Hat, but they’re by no means GOOD movies. But that says something, I think. They realized live action doesn’t work with Seuss, and frankly I don’t think animation does either but at least it’s closer. Anyway, Oz rights were purchased by Disney to make new films back in the 80s I believe, when Return to Oz was made but I think it’s best to advise them to sell those rights to Lionsgate or someone who can actually turn Oz into the dark whimsical world it truly is.

I have only walked out of a few films, and if there were anything else to do where I live besides see movies, I would’ve walked out of Oz. The first 10 minutes or so are easily the best, when it’s in black and white and playing up the laugh factor of old timey films. Unfortunately, there’s a 2 hour film that follows those first 10 minutes. It’s not that the length is bad, it’s that the MOVIE is bad. And I don’t mean bad as in say Suckerpunch bad because while that film was atrocious in everything but the visuals, it was like a trainwreck. You couldn’t look away, and I at least found the premise and the set pieces to be mildly entertaining, so it was enjoyable in the aspect of hating it. It’s a movie I like to hate. It’s a terrible movie, but it’s terribleness is what makes it enjoyable, ala MST3K. These films are what I have deemed “The Avatar Problem”. They’re these movies-like Suckerpunch or Alice in Wonderland or Avatar or some would say Prometheus but I thoroughly enjoyed it for what it was-that are great visually but lack anything else of substance or value because all of the production time went into making them look good. It’s a very big problem with the film industry right now and it’s why I’m not on the side of the Visual Effects Houses that are on strike at the moment. I don’t want people to lose their jobs, but god forbid visual effects went away or were toned down and people actually were forced to write compelling fucking dialogue, right? That’d be the WORST!

Now, I have FAR too many notes to make this article a short length, so I’m gonna do this bulletpoint style to make this thing easier to read, alright? Stick with me, here we go:

PERFORMANCES: The acting all around outside of Rachel Weisz and Michelle Williams is terrible. Just downright terrible. Franco alone is atrocious. This is cheesy Scifi Channel B movie level acting. Lower than that. It’s Old Folks home christmas pageant level. No, it’s Kindergarten play level acting. Not to mention I have to suffer through Zach Braff-who I genuinely like-as the animated sassy sidekick. Because THAT never gets old. Ugh. I mean, Francos performance works in the first 10 minutes, because it was an homage to those old type of films, but once he gets to Oz it just doesn’t work anymore. And I like James Franco, I do, I think he’s a very legitimately wonderful actor, but this is just…it’s bad. It’s below bad. Whatever is below bad, it’s that. And on top of all of that, the dialogue is horrendous and the visuals gave me a headache. They looked pretty but they didn’t do a good job of compositing the actors into them. Everything looked pretty but INCREDIBLY fake, and that just takes you right out of whatever believability the film had to begin with, which wasn’t much.
RETURN TO OZ: Now, as wonderful as the original (and I know, there’s a 25 minute short film) Garland Wizard of Oz was, it’s also not correct. It’s the 2nd closest, but it’s not correct. Which is why Oz isn’t kid friendly. I’ve read these books. I’ve read The Wizard of Oz, it’s a dark twisted story actually about government policies in that day and age in a way too, and it’s just not kid friendly. But then there’s the 1985 semi sequel Return to Oz, which is actually as close to the source material as any film has come and yet is called the worst of all 3! That movie is underrated, brilliant and actually feels like the books. I wanted Great & Powerl Oz to be like Return to Oz, or at least sort of like that; with a darker feel to it and such, and instead I was handed a film reel that was covered in someones Skittles vomit.
CANON & REVISIONS: Now, when you create something based off of something (say you write a new Vampire story) and your version of it becomes popular, it becomes cannon. That’s just how it is. So when Gregory Maguire wrote Wicked, it became cannon. So to see the Wicked Witch in Great & Powerful have a sister is nice, because she does, but her relationship with Glinda is incorrect, her sister isn’t in a wheelchair and for whatever god damned reason she turns green just by eating a green apple. NONE OF THIS IS ACCURATE. WHAT THE HELL. I’m not one to hate people who put their own spin on things, I get it, sometimes you just need to make it yours and give it a new identity but once again here we are-like Alice in Wonderland-revising things that don’t need to be revised. The way I see it, if something is good, people will seek out the original over the new garbage version these people produce. Unnecessary revisions and reboots are not needed, and this is the perfect example.

I want good Oz stuff, but I guess I’m stuck with the books. It’s a shame no one can do the films more justice, but I guess this is the world we live in now. The worst part of bad filmmaking is that it should make me want to try harder when I make films, but it doesn’t, it makes me want to stop trying altogether.

As the title of my blog states, Hollywood is Dead.

King Of The Culture Stealers

Mon, 25 Feb 2013 02:26:56 -0500

Every now and then I’ll be watching television and I’ll see something that’ll make me go, “Man, that exists? That’s disappointing”, mope about it for a few minutes, and then move on with my day.

Every now and then, though, I’ll be watching television and I’ll see something that will send me into a rage of spiraling hate, and that happened when I saw the preview for “King of the Nerds”. This hatred is finally coming to a head with this article.

It all started about a year ago when The Big Bang Theory REALLY became popular among my friends. The one thing I’ve discovered about that program is that is the nail in the coffin of nerdome. When I was a kid, I was made fun of for being a nerd. I was beaten up for it. I lived through that whole cliche “nerds are lame” shit that those movies in the 80s were made about. NOW however, we live in a faux nerd land that celebrates nerds.

Or rather, celebrates a demographic.

Because that’s what we are now. BBT isn’t celebrating who we are, it’s celebrating WHAT we are and that it can cash in on our culture; the one that the kids who used to beat me up are now stealing and rubbing my face in. The reason most actual nerds don’t speak up about BBT though is because they feel it’s nice to finally be acknowledged, but you’re not being acknowledged, my fellow nerds. You’re being exploited. You’re being turned into marketing dollars. Marketers make their money off of people who they can exploit.

Give you an example. Back in the 90s, it was cool to be a punk rocker. That’s what the kids were in school. They wore torn up jeans, and they listened to rock music and they acted defiant. A term called “edgy” was coined at some point, defining people like that. But all that edgy and unsafe stuff isn’t actually a way of life, it occurs when middlebrow, middle aged profiteers are looking to suck the spending money out of the “youth culture”. They looked at these kids and went, “Yeah, we could pretend to make them feel liked”. So they invent this concept of seeming to be dangerous when every single move that they make is the result of market research and a corporate master plan. And that is EXACTLY what is happening with nerds now. They promote the idea that being a nerd is the hip thing to be, without letting on that it’s all for monetary value. It’s brilliant and enraging at the same time.

And in 2 years time or less, nobody will want to be labeled a “nerd” anymore, and this culture will go back to being the same ol’ D&D playing losers in the basement we always were.

But the thing is, it’s not only infecting the assholes who are pretending to be nerds. That’s just a shitty side effect. No, this is affecting actual nerds and turning them into assholes. Gamers are now whiny, self entitled little babies who whine whenever a change is made to a game or when a change ISN’T made. You can’t please them, when they should just shut up and be happy that they have games to play at all. And if you asked any of the “nerds” in line to see The Avengers, they’ll go “What!? IT’S A COMIC!?” and the nerds who actually KNOW it’s a comic will go “Yeah, it WAS a comic, get over it” because they’re happy to be accepted, or at least they’re willingly to suspend the disbelief that they’re being accepted when in 2 years time or less they’ll be as forgotten as emos were.

The acceptance of nerd culture isn’t just making our enemies into faux nerds, it’s turning real nerds into enemies with ourselves, and it’s depressing.

One of the most infuriating things that you can do is go on Twitter and type in #nerd in the search bar. It will bring up actual tweets like “The Walking Dead is on, I’m such a nerd, I know.” First off, the fact that you have to point out how much of a nerd you are completely obliterates any chance that you’re actually a nerd, especially when you do it on a social forum that is all about being read by millions of followers, hoping everyone will see it. And secondly, the Walking Dead is watched by so many viewers, that at this point, the idea that the majority of that viewerbase are actual readers of the source material is so slim that it’s funny. I highly doubt you’ve ever even read the comic, or-as I stated above-KNEW THERE WAS ONE.

I’m tired of being the only person willing to stand up and go, “No, this ISN’T acceptable. You can’t continue to steal peoples cultures for cash value!”

But, we did it to the Indians, why not people in todays world, I guess.

I just wish it wasn’t happening. It makes me sick when programs that are on that merely pander to the demographic are more popular than shows that GET the demographic. Freaks & Geeks got it. Better Off Ted got it. Big Bang Theory doesn’t get it, it gets AWAY with it. And it’s SICKENING. And to top it all off and try and pass BBT off as a “nerd” show, they get the nerdiest band around-Barenaked Ladies-to do the theme for it. I love Barenaked Ladies. Oh, what’s that? They were lame before they did that? Yeah, that’s what a faux, culture stealing ass WOULD say. Stop copying us. Be YOU.

And the next person I see wearing a fucking “I’m a nerd” shirt is getting gutted with Links sword. That’s right. Link. Zelda’s the PRINCESS. God am I tired of having to explain THAT to people.

An Open Letter To Robert Kirkman

Mon, 25 Feb 2013 01:43:03 -0500

Dear Robert Kirkman,

if this letter finds its way to you, I hope you will read all of it, because it took a lot of planning to figure out exactly what I wanted to say and how to say it, but I think I finally got it right. First of all, comics and television are 2 different mediums, as I’m sure you’re well aware. Apparently AMC isn’t though, because they seem to think they need the creator to pull in the big ratings because the fanbase follows the creator. What they don’t realize is that the majority of people who watch The Walking Dead are probably not even aware that the source material exists, so therefore, the idea that they “need” you is kind of not true. But, I’m not one for firing people from their creations. I’m not saying you should be fired, at all. Dan Harmon got fired from Community and that’s just WRONG.

HOWEVER, the fact that you would fire Glenn Mazzara-aka the dude who saved your program from being a god damn trainwreck-is absolutely hysterical and enraging at the same time. Why would you take away the guy who not only made the best episodes of your series-3 SEASONS IN, BTW-and gets you the best reviews and ratings it’s ever gotten? It doesn’t make sense. I heard it was because he was burning through your source material fast, and I guess that makes sense, but you don’t have to fire him, you just have to come to an agreement. Either way, Mazzara was the best thing that ever happened for your show and I pity whatever comes after him. Oh that’s right, you got the guy who was the showrunner for Life which ran for 2 seasons and Drive, WHICH RAN FOR 4 EPISODES. THAT’S a good track record. Nevermind. You CLEARLY know what YOU’RE doing.

But I digress. I don’t want to bash you. I want to have a discussion, about this show and the problems it has. First off, as I said earlier, this is the only decent season it’s ever had, and that’s 3 seasons in. That’s NOT a good sign. And despite season 3 being the best, it still has issues. First off, Loris death was the best thing to ever happen on the show, except that it brings up the laughable fact that it completely nullifies the entire purpose of Season 2. ALL of Season 2 consisted of this whole love triangle between Shane/Rick/Lori. You do what has to be done, kill Shane, change the show, make it grow. That was fantastic. Though I loved Shane and Jon B, I understand it for story telling purposes, because I myself am a writer. It made sense, it was well done, it helped the show adapt and evolve. But then you nullify everything that that did because you kill Lori in this season anyway. So not only does Rick kill the guy who wanted his wife but then you also kill his wife, which makes that entire love triangle AND entire TERRIBLE season 2 fucking pointless. Character growth for Rick I guess, if you can call it that, but whatever.

But that wasn’t enough. Then you bring her back in these visions. Why in the hell would Rick have visions of a woman who treated him exceptionally poorly and was a continuing setback for their entire group? Makes no sense, again. And while we’re on the topic of “makes no sense”, explain to me how I’m supposed to emotionally connect to not only the character of Michonne who has had no character growth OR backstory yet, and the idea of her and Andrea. We saw one scene with them together in the winter in the 1st episode of this season, and it continues to be referenced. I’m supposed to emotionally connect to a referential relationship I never saw develop? How’s THAT work? That’s just shitty writing, sir. Give me some backstory on Michonne herself, too. MAKE. ME. CARE. As a writer, that’s your fucking JOB, Kirkman. YOU HAVE 1 JOB. DO IT.

Which brings me to the biggest problem this show has had since the start.

There’s no conflict. Well, there IS, but it’s not a conflict that’s interesting, thus leading to the writers having to create conflicts, and the majority of those also not being interesting. But then you bring on The Governor, a great source of conflict, but that’s also where you’re going to screw yourself. It’s a lose/lose situation, Kirkman, it truly truly is. Not only do you fail if you keep him alive because you drag out the conflict to the point where it’s boring, but you lose if you kill him too. You lose if you kill him because you kill off the only entertaining source of conflict this show has to offer, bringing us back to the whole “surviving in this world” theme which just ISN’T interesting. Especially when your characters are SO undeveloped and uninteresting as it is, save for Darryl and Glenn. You’re on both losing sides of a lit stick of dynamite. It’s not going to end well. I want to like your show. I’ve tried for 3 seasons to like it, because it’s a novelty and you have the chance to make something truly original that’s like nothing else on television, but until you learn how to create compelling characters and write dialogue that isn’t easy for me to fall asleep to, it’s just not going to happen.

And it’s not that I am an action junkie. You dug this grave for yourself, man. You conditioned people to be into conversations and dialogue in season 2 because you turned the Walking Dead into the Talking Dead and then you flipped the switch on Season 3 and conditioned people to like the violence so much that it hurts when we have to listen to painfully written dialogue. I’m not an action junkie. In fact, my favorite television shows are all dialogue driven. Curb, Arrested Development, Mad Men. The difference between these shows and your show is that these characters are INTERESTING. I LIKE them. They add something to the show itself. Unlike yours. I don’t want to watch a show that is going to turn into a weekly death raffle. That’s not what someone wants to tune in for, or at least it shouldn’t be all that defines your program.

I want to like your show, but as of this moment, I’ve given it 3 years and it’s not happening. Hopefully this season will have some sort of resolution for the story you’re in right now with The Governor and I can finally wash my hands of this “character” drama you consider television.

Take a writing class.

Mark

1408: A Psychoanalyzation Of A Hotel Room

Tue, 19 Feb 2013 01:15:18 -0500

I’m going to do something I never do on this blog; talk about something I like. No, not like. Love. No, not love. ADORE. I’m a big horror movie fan, and one of my top 5 is 1408, starring John Cusack. The films premise was enough to put me in the seat, upon which I realized it’s success (because no films can succeed on premise alone, often their cast helps it along with writing and cinematography and everything else that goes into making a film) hinged upon John’s performance. Now, as I just said, most films rely on their cast obviously as a big part of their success, but this film is impressive because it relies essentially on ONE MAN, and that one man pulls it off remarkably to the point where I can’t imagine this movie starring anyone else but him in his role.

Now, this movie has been pretty well received, and I want to discuss some of the things that make this film brilliant. The first thing I’d like to bring up is the Carpenters Song “We’ve Only Just Begun” that plays multiple times throughout the film. This song wasn’t only ruined by this film-and by ruined I mean I can no longer hear it and NOT be creeped out-but was also important when you realize it’s message. The title alone, I believe says it. It’s the first thing that happens in the room, is the radio playing that song, essentially stating, “Hey Michael Enslin, you’re about to be put through living hell. Yeah this song is creepy, BUT WE’VE ONLY JUST BEGUN.” It’s informing him in it’s own messed up way that things are going to get very VERY bad.

Now, how does a hotel room do that? Well, all you have to remember is what Jackson’s character says: “It’s an evil fucking room.”

And that is literal. We’ve all seen movies about buildings with creepy goings on in them. We’ve had The Shining, we’ve had Poltergeist and a dozen more. But what sets 1408 apart from these other films is-and even in The Shining-these are ghosts controlling what it happening. They’re spirits, they’re otherworldy beings and they once were alive. 1408 is different in the sense that the room itself-a non living being-IS EVIL. Which makes it more dangerous because it can do basically anything it wants to you and you don’t have a choice in the matter. You just have to basically deal with whatever it throws your way and power through it, or choose to give up and “check out”, as the room so slyly puts it.

The songs message is only made more clear by the fact that Michael Enslin wakes up after the “hour” he’s spent and the room is reordered, cleaned up and back to where they started, and the song starts again. We’ve only just begun. The message being-and said verbally by the room on the phone too-“There is no way out. You are screwed. We’ve only just begun, Michael.” When Michael Enslin first notices the Chocolate, that’s really just the room welcoming him, but it’s been aware of his presence the entire time. As Jacksons character says, “Hotels are all about fertile creature comforts” and as Enslin says later on, “I’ve been here before, it’s safe.” Hotel rooms are supposed to make you feel at home, and safe. This room leaves Enslin alone for the first 20 minutes or so because it wants to lull him into a sense of false security so that when the chocolate appears and even worse shit starts to go down, he’s even MORE unsettled. It’s natural, pretty, welcoming decor is it’s biggest advantage. People let their guards down, and they settle in, without knowing the danger ahead.

The room clearly has rules too, to it’s madness. No immediate outside contact. This is made all the more clear when Enslin attempts to go in the vent and get the woman with the baby’s attention, only to have the room make the woman his wife and not the woman he saw earlier. Well then why is he able to make contact with his wife at her office? Because it’s not immediate outside contact. It’s outside contact through a medium, essentially. Like using a psychic to reach out to a dearly departed loved one. Electronics are not supposed to work in the room, but I get the feeling the room wanted his wife to see him die, or wanted to take them both out. You have to understand, the room cannot be demolished or shut down completely due to it being on the floor it’s on, it’d be such a financial endeavor. This is why when someone dies, their deaths are released to the public knowledge as suicide. Yes, it’s coincidental, but then it starts to look like a pattern of “Oh, this is just where people go to kill themselves”. Lots of people also jump off the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, it’s the same idea. Now look at the situation Enslin-and his wife-were in. They’d lost their daughter, and he definitely is still in a fragile state about it (which is why he’s searching all these haunted places, looking for some sort of reassurance that she is ok, or that there is something else out there, just as with why he wrote The Long Road Home to deal with his fathers death. It’s a form of grief counseling) and his wife probably is too, so to have them both off themselves in the room (if it let her in) would be poetic. It’d look like a devastated couple who lost their child and couldn’t continue with their grief offed themselves together. Sad and yet romantic. Just what the room wants. In fact, it’s possible a lot of the people it feeds on are people who have had truly bad pasts. I’m theorizing because we never really know much about the others, but it’s possible nonetheless.

The room has another clear rule: Anything in the room exists in the rooms “dimension” or whatever the hell you want to believe it exists in. That’s why when Enslin throws the lamp out the window, it just reappears in the room. The room isn’t harmed by it’s own shenanigans (flooding it or freezing it or taking it apart piece by piece), again, made clear by the fact that the room merely resets itself once the hour is up. There’s a sort of fucked up order it follows. HOWEVER, Enslin realizes things brought INTO the room can be used against it. That’s another reason why he was probably able to get a hold of his wife, and exactly why he was able to burn it down. The alcohol, and his lighter were brought into the room and are his weapons. His way of defense against it and its powers. It probably didn’t destroy the room, but it certainly fucked it up long enough for it to be LEGITIMATELY closed. Now, you might ask “Well why wouldn’t the flood do that?”

Well, because the room flooded itself. The room however didn’t start the fire. Enslin started the fire. It was manmade, with outside influences, and was therefore harmful to the room.

The room might as well be a living creature. It uses your worst fears, the darkest memories and your sense of mortality against you, and continues to kick you even when you’re down. But, through perserverence, Enslin fought back and won in a way. Now, to discuss some of the filmmaking aspects. To start off with, the camera is almost never not moving. It’s impressive and it’s nice, it keeps you alive. You’re rarely staring at the same shot of something. Even when Enslin and Jacksons character first meet, the camera rotates the entire time during their discussion and is rarely static in it’s stance purely because it just makes it more entertaining to witness. Keeps you awake as a viewer. And speaking of Sam Jackson, this is one of the only performances I’ve felt he’s ever TRULY been good in. He was great in Django Unchained as well, but here he was EXCEPTIONAL. So, as far as a horror movie goes, it’s faaaantastic, and I feel I can say that because I don’t get scared at horror movies and rarely creeped out, and this movie definitely unsettles me even to this day. As far as a movie to discuss, it’s also a load of fun.

So if you haven’t seen 1408 yet, PLEASE go watch it tonight. With the lights off. And probably your door open. You never know, your own room might get ideas.

FINAL RATING:

A+

Identity Thief: Review

Mon, 11 Feb 2013 01:25:58 -0500

I went and saw “Identity Thief” the other day, as made possible by my “You put Jason Bateman in a movie and I’ll go fuckin’ see it” promise, and I have to admit…

I enjoyed myself.

Now, on Rotten Tomatoes, the movie has a 23% (I believe, that’s what it was when I first checked). This is outrageous. The film simply has that rating because people in this day and age are so spoiled by the belief that everything has to push new boundaries and be groundbreaking. One of the biggest statements against the groundbreaking idea is Borat. When that movie came out, everyone made such a big deal about what kind of a new comedy this was and how groundbreaking it was, and nobody was talking about that movie in a year. Which just proves that “groundbreaking” only means “we’re only going to talk about this when it’s out until something else comes along that we can throw awards and compliments at”.

Identity Thief is in the same vein of Tower Heist (which I also really enjoyed, actually a lot more than this) and other comedies, often called a YukFlick. It throws in a few good laughs with a pretty simple plot and no real good character development, but it’s a good way to spend an hour and a half or so. It’s a solid comedy. That’s more than I can say for the Hangover, which didn’t even make me CHUCKLE OR SMILE ONCE. Sure, Identity Thief isn’t groundbreaking, or a piece of cinematic artwork that rivals Citizen Kane or anything but it’s a solid comedy, and I can break it down right here:

Acting-about average. Melissa McCarthy was phenomenal as she always appears to be and Jason Bateman is…well he’s Jason Bateman. You get what you paid for, and I got what I paid for because I wanted Jason Bateman. Unfortunately this is a “comedy buddy” type film, and Bateman and McCarthy don’t really have very good chemistry together, so it comes across as a bit forced at times, but I’d give the overall acting outside of McCarthy (who deserves an A+++) a B
Script-story wise it’s a good enough plot that unfortunately doesn’t spend enough time of the capture of the identity thief, and instead turns into a road trip and character bonding flick. This isn’t to say that it isn’t entertaining, but it could’ve been more. I’ll give it a C+
Cinematography/Directing-this is where this movie really shines. This thing is truly confidently directed and REALLY well shot. I give both an A

This movie overall, as I’ve said a few times already, is solid. Sure, it’s got its shortcoming, but what do you expect for a generic saturday night popcorn comedy? It’s not gold or anything, but it is exactly what the trailer led you to expect it to be. It never misrepresented itself. A lot of trailers do that to get you into the seats, like Drive for instance, which promised a fast and furious type heist/car chase film and then instead delivered me a “watch ryan gosling stand around and look mopey for 2 hours” film and almost no driving, but this film didn’t do that.

Should you go see this movie? It really just depends on if you want something to do one afternoon, I guess. Yes, it’s a good enough movie to earn money, and yes it’s definitely a good way to waste away an afternoon or to take someone on a date too, but personally, I’d wait for it to be out on DVD. It’s definitely a saturday night in DVD rental, for sure. That way, you spend less renting it, and the people still get their cut from the rental. I’m always up for telling people they deserve to be paid for the art they create (although in my mind, you REALLY should just be happy anyones watching your shit AT ALL and not care about the monetary gain from it, but “Art” is now a subjective term, I suppose), so this is one of those films that if you miss it and catch it on DVD or something later, you won’t be missing out, but you’ll also enjoy yourself if you happen to see it.

FINAL RATING: B

FX & FXX

Sun, 10 Feb 2013 03:20:14 -0500

A while back, I wrote about how AMC is fucking up their own network by becoming INVOLVED with their programs. Now, we have FX doing the same thing, but weirdly enough…it might actually work for them in a way they don’t understand. I read that FX was changing their network up so that FX is for dramas and they’re making a new channel called FXX (which is the dumbest name since Quikster, and this really is just another one of those situations all over again) for comedies.

But think about this. Most of FX’s programs ARE comedies. Their lineup (as best as what is watched) is as follows:

Louie
Wilfred
Archer
Anger Management
American Horror Story
The Americans
Always Sunny In Philadelphia

And out of those 7 major shows, 5 of those are comedies! Granted, Wilfred falls on either end often, but it is technically labeled a “comedy”. Now, the first thing you have to wonder about is why would you do this? Risk switching your network to a new one and losing your viewership? But then you think about another decision FX made recently, wherein they backordered 100 episodes of Anger Management. That means they’ve already committed to about 5 seasons of that show, which means they’ve sunk a lot of money into it. Which means if it gets moved to their “comedy” channel, along with the critically adored Louie, they will promote the living HELL out of it. But you have to wonder what problems arise from promoting shows for a few seasons as FX shows to then promoting them as FXX shows. It really makes no sense at all.

What could be a good outcome however, is this might teach FX a lesson. The Americans has already lost a lot of viewers, a 39 percent drop in viewership in this week ALONE, and American Horror Story also dropped in viewers this season. FX dramas are pretty terrible, outside of the no longer airing Rescue Me. So, what could theoretically happen is that FX becomes a channel nobody watches, they get rid of it and are now stuck with the crappily named FXX. This would be hilarious. And as I said, what with the already committed 100 episode order of Anger Management and the critically adored Louie, you know they’ll promote the hell out of their comedy channel, which means the other shows might get rollover viewers as well as gaining new viewers AND already returning viewers.

The ultimate lesson to be learned here is this: FX and AMC both work and are beloved because what they do works, so DON’T FUCK IT UP. Stop trying to change things. Your formula is perfect. As the old saying goes:

If it ain’t broke, don’t fuckin’ fix it.

V/H/S: Review

Tue, 29 Jan 2013 16:03:55 -0500

VHS broke some fundamental found footage rules right off the bat. First things first, some praise. They really got the quality type of different cameras down pat. I was impressed by how bad the crooks camera looked, like it’d actually come from that era (whatever era that was, looked to be mid 90s) and then to have each segment have a different quality. Impressive and done well, I must admit. But when you create a found footage film-especially one where SPOILER the people in the film die (and you see them die at some points)-you can’t suddenly have other films interspliced because who’s editing that? How did their footage get connected to the footage they’re watching? And this would be plausible had there been a Blair Witch type greeting at the front of the film the like of “These films were discovered after the mens disappearance. Police have spliced them together in hopes of discovering what this all means” or something to that effect. But in the end, there’s nothing like that, the editing doesn’t make sense, the “storyline” is incohesive at best and the films within the film vary from absolutely awesome to mediocre student film. Now because this is an anthology, I’m going to go through these one at a time, first by tackling the major “plot” of the film itself. The robbers.

THE ROBBERS

Now, one of the major problems with this plot in general is that it makes little to almost no sense. First we see these guys causing general havoc; pulling up womens shirts on the streets and bashing cars with baseball bats. Just normal guy stuff, ya know. But then suddenly they’re in a car saying they’re on their way to some old guys house to retrieve a tape. You never really know why they’re doing this, who’s asked them to do this or even what is on the tape they’re trying to get. Now granted, it all could’ve been a ploy to get them to the house so they and we could witness the VHS tapes, but still…bad writing at it’s finest in my book. Plot holes galore. Once they arrive, there is an old man in the upstairs room in front of a bunch of televisions that are all static screened, and the crooks split up. Now, throughout this film, you’ll notice the dead old man is sometimes not in his chair, and at one point one of the crooks says he saw an old man in the basement, once again furthering the idea that maybe this was all a setup. Anyway, the film consists of each one of the crooks watching a tape until they disappear somehow afterwards.

THE HARPY IN THE HOTEL

This first tape started off TERRIBLY. Everything about this just reminded me why I was so happy I never went to college. Granted, the eyeglass camera is one of the most badass things I’ve ever seen, but the whole idea of “college guys going out to find girls to fuck while they wear a camera in their glasses so the girls don’t know they’re being filmed” is kinda…douchey, actually. But then after you’ve spent 15 minutes watching some of the stupidest and most unlikeable college guys I’ve EVER seen finally meet two girls and head back to a hotel, you realize the setup was worth it. One of the girls passes out from being drunk, so the biggest douche decides to fuck the other girl, who-amidst all my cheering-decides to mount the guy and rip his guts out. The other two guys run into the bathroom, and at some point decide to come out to see what’s happening now and see her standing in an almost dancer like pose, at which she then attacks the other guy, and the 3rd guy-the one wearing the glasses-runs out of the room screaming like a little bitch, understandably so. But after falling down the stairs and fucking up his wrist, he looks up and sees this…

She becomes offended when he says he doesn’t like her, and so she does what any woman does when a man says they don’t like them; she grows wings, turns into a bat creature and flies off with him into the night, probably to disembowel and eat his remains. Ya know, normal chick stuff. This is one instance where for once, the setup was ABSOLUTELY worth the payoff. The hotel room scene is one of the coolest damn things I’ve seen in years in a horror movie, next to the reveal in “Amusement”. I actually recommend watching certain tapes on youtube, as opposed to watching the whole movie, because then it’s an awesome flick, and I recommend you watch this one for SURE. Fantastic. It’s just a shame they don’t keep the quality.

THE LOVER

The next tape we are introduced to is one that…doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, honestly. It’s a couple on a 2nd honeymoon-that’s what the title is, I looked it up on Google-and they’re staying in a hotel (the people who made this movie REALLY like hotels) and at one point are asked by some creepy girl for a ride into the next town. Then you see this person-and it’s obvious by the creepy girls request that it’s her-that sneaks into their room twice and watches them, then she beheads the boyfriend and the two chicks make out, then they’re in a car driving and she asks if she erased the tape. So essentially, it’s a Lifetime Original Movie. There’s nothing really horror about this tape, it’s just a lesbian lovers kill a boyfriend story. That’s not really scary. It’s fucked up, for sure, but not scary. I think this was the 2nd worst of the whole bunch, particularly because the payoff was so worthless and the idea itself wasn’t that good to begin with. I wish it had been more.

LAKE CREATURE

Ok…this thing is one of the worst things I’ve ever seen in a legitimate movie. The acting is atrocious, the dialogue is horrendous, and the plot is retarded. And I don’t mean the PC version of retarded, no, I mean this plot got dropped on its head as a child and now doesn’t know if it’s a story or a ham sandwich. It’s THAT level of retarded. It’s a story we’ve all seen. Girl takes friends to lake to appease weird supernatural killer that killed her friends last time they were here, she wants proof he exists, and that’s it. The only decent part of this thing is the killer itself. The digitized effects on this monster thing are incredibly cool, and I don’t know how they did it. This doesn’t even seem like a studio made it. This is like a bad student film. Well…at least they’ll get graded well on their effects, cause that’s all it has going for it. Seriously, this is the reason to watch these on youtube, so you can avoid this thing like the plague.

WEBCAM

Ok, this is the 3rd coolest one in the film, however, this thing has a few problems. First of all, it’s got WAY too long a setup, and secondly, it’s recorded on a webcam chat (looks like skype). However, at one point the man says he hasn’t been recording, so how did this end up being recorded and an even better question, how did this end up being recorded ONTO A FUCKING VHS TAPE? But let’s tackle the length one. This thing could’ve been set up pretty quickly and paid off pretty quickly. Girl moves into new apartment, girl tells boyfriend she sees ghost, they see ghost that first night, next day she shows him her arm she’s been picking at, next night the payoff. I mean, there’s so much in between all that that just ISN’T NEEDED. The payoff is awesome, but the setup is FARRRRRR too long for it to be justified. However, one of the major things I enjoy about this one is that you leave it not really understanding what’s going on. It really leaves you scratching your head, and that’s one of the reasons it’s memorable. I really thoroughly enjoyed this one even with its flaws, and it’s the 3rd best tape in the film.

HAUNTED HOUSE

The last tape in the film is just as good quality as the first tape. It’s just a damn shame there’s about 90 minutes between the two. This one is about a group of young men going to a haunted house for halloween and discovering what appears to be an exorcism or something in the attic. Then they must escape with the girl, and that’s when shit gets cool. In fact, shit gets so cool, I can’t even explain it and you just need to watch it. Seriously. Some of these effects were awesome. Not to mention that unlike most of the people in this movie, these guys are actually likeable and enjoyable and seem like dudes I would hang out with, so it makes it even more fun to witness. But seriously, this is one of the best haunted house things I’ve ever seen. In fact, it’s a shame that this itself isn’t a full film, because it warrants it. Sure, maybe it’s effect would be lost in a longer format *COUGHCOUGHMAMACOUGH* but still, I’d like to see it.

END RESULT

So, is VHS a good movie? Eh. Sort of. It has elements of a great horror movie, and it does some things I’ve never seen before and some of it really stuck with me, but there’s too much wrong here that overshadows the good. Thankfully, the good is so good that it doesn’t let the entire movie be a wreck. Should you watch it? Yeah I would actually. It’s a fun way to pass an evening, but my idea is that you should just watch certain segments on youtube as opposed to sitting through the whole damn movie (the entire thing is about 2 hours and only about 40 minutes or so are really worth it, so it’s hard to justify sitting through all of it for the good stuff, a lot of which doesn’t occur until the end anyway).

FINAL RATING

C+